Dear Stranger,

1. I’m going to tell you now that I’m a bit harder to love than most people. It’s because I grew up with ghosts at my home and fallen debris. I turned myself into an armor of steel so I would be protected from slashes and whips and people like you who might break me.

2. Sometimes I would need you to cut through my barriers and reach me. Sometimes I would need you to knock on my door when it’s closed. Sometimes I would need you to love me a little bit louder.

3. Dear Stranger, I’m going to tell you now that if you are here to stay, I would ask too much.

4. I have a mixed up relationship with my depression, dearest. It comes and it goes and sometimes it takes over and I can’t control it. I would need you to hold my hair and keep my head up when I vomit my life all over the sink.

5. I won’t ask you to tell me that things are going to be okay, because I have enough wisdom to know that it won’t always be. I won’t ask you to hold my hand and tell me to turn over to self love, because I don’t have any.

6. Self love is a blanket I cover myself when I go to sleep at night, occasionally punctured with holes and flaws whenever my thoughts have taken over or when someone throws hurtful words at me. Self love is a luxury I couldn’t afford, not when I spent this long drowning in too much loathing.

7. Dear Stranger, I am not alright. I’ll be okay on some days and I would laugh at your jokes and hug you tight and kiss your lips. I’ll believe in a parallel world where my life isn’t taken over by a lonely sky. I’ll fumble my way through crossroads and horizons, just so I could meet you half way. I won’t leave you alone and I’ll try harder to get to you, it’ll just take time for me to get there day by day.

I would ask for you to be extra patient with me and careful, as I don’t know what I’m doing.

8. I kept all the butterflies in my stomach in a jar hidden somewhere in my closet. I would need them at nights when I’m tangled up in your sheets and I would need to feel something.

9. This would be a burden, but I would ask you to keep me away from my family.

10. Dear Stranger, for all of this, I am sorry. I just need you to love me.


This piece has been published on Eternal Remedy, an independent online literary and art publication. You may find it in here.


feature image by Natalie Collins

Cara

Cara likes to read, write and laze around in her spare time. She goes into trance whenever she walks into bookstores and antique shops. She hopes to write about many adventures she'll have one day.

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3 Comments

  1. Reply

    Neecah Tagle

    March 19, 2015

    I feel you. Every bit of this is just… exactly what I’ve been feeling too. We’re getting there, Cariza. Thank you for writing this. I’ve been loving the things you wrote on your blog.

    • Reply

      Cariza

      March 20, 2015

      Hi Neecah,

      Sending out hugs and love to you, because I feel like people like us need it terribly. We’ll be okay.
      And thank you so much for loving my writing. 🙂

  2. Reply

    Samantha

    November 8, 2015

    Very lovely writing.

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