Earlier today I was stuck in traffic for about an hour. Usually, I would try to pass the time by putting my phone on shuffle, it seemed easier to measure the distance through songs than minutes of travel. But today, I was elsewhere.
My thoughts drifted off far away from the corner I was trapped in, amidst cars and the scorching heat and little movement we all could make, inch by inch. I miss him, I thought so bitterly. I wish he were here with me, and then we could have a nonsense conversation about traffic and about other people in their cars, their habits and their stories, the happiest and saddest moments in their lives. Oftentimes, he would blast on music and I would have an impromptu concert on his passenger seat (he wouldn’t mind my high-pitched, off key singing). And I feel sad, thinking, why on earth, out of thousands of people who were closer to me, was I with someone who’s miles and miles away? If I would tell someone right now flat out that I was happy and content with what how we were it would be a lie. There are many things I wish I could change. I wish I could stitch islands together just so we’d be closer or that I could craft a sail boat out of winds and cloud patches so I could easily drift off to where he was. But life, of course, isn’t as easy.
So why am I here? Why are we like this?
What was his difference among the other guys whom I could’ve been with, whom I could’ve fallen in love with, if I tried? If I chose to be with someone who also lived where I was, things would’ve been much simpler for me. For one thing, I probably wouldn’t be stuck in the bus with strangers, battling my drowsy, weary eyes. And I swear, once upon a time, perhaps I could’ve even be happy with someone else, in a different lifetime. Why him? Why this lifetime?
And then, there was another part of me that answered: it’s because with him, I don’t have to try.
I don’t need to have a specific reason. I don’t need to complete a checklist. I don’t need to wait until we were ready for each other and I most certainly don’t need to work on myself to be anything that he deserves. I have, to put it simply, fallen deeply in love with him, in every sense of the word, with every inch of his beautiful soul. I have loved all his cracked pieces and broken promises, and I will always choose to love him, oceans and time zones and all.
“I guess when you’re young, you just believe there’ll be many people with whom you’ll connect with. Later in life, you realize it only happens a few times.” Celine, Before Sunset