trigger warning: anxiety, depression
Hello, hello. I haven’t done a diary update for so long. Nothing is new in my life, except right now, all my daily efforts are going into finding another job/proper source of income. I quit one of the jobs I previously had because over the holiday season, most of our team members resigned right after each other. A new management team took over the company, a lot of things have changed, and I didn’t get as much hours as I used to (I was only asked to work at least five hours every three weeks or so). To be honest, I didn’t mind the cut back of hours because I had no desire to go to work anyway. Still, I could no longer see myself staying with the company for the long run, so I decided to abandon ship and look elsewhere.
I wish I thought of it even further because now, I am once again back into the struggling game. I am only currently living by my work with a fashion brand, though they gave me more hours than usual, it still isn’t enough to sustain my monthly rent and other bills. I have, shamefully, even asked Jaime for help a few times. While he was more than happy to lend a hand, there is a part of me who wishes I could handle and fix everything on my own. To add more into my plate, a tapestry of other personal problems showed up on my wall. These were all too sudden and too overwhelming. Lately, all I’ve had are break downs of all sorts: mentally, psychologically, physically. I’ve even lashed out at people quite a few times (including my innocent roommate), because of too much frustration and sadness regarding my life, my situation and most of all, myself. There it is, the one flaw that puts an end among others, my lethal over thinking. There is no way to shut these voices.
The one thing that helps me sleep at night is talking with Jaime in Facetime, and him showing my dog Pancakes snuggled happily in his arms. The other thing is simply over exhaustion from living. I try my best to remind myself to inhale and exhale every so often, because if I didn’t, I may as well forget breathing at all.
Oh yes, Jaime has adopted Pancakes officially and she is very, very spoiled by him and his family. At least, there’s something that makes me happy.
It’s crazy how my anxiety and panic episodes don’t resort to me writing. I usually tend to use words to sort my feelings out and as a form of release, but I can’t seem to bring myself to do this lately. It seems like I’ve bled my bones too dry, and that there is nothing left of me except an empty, ghostless shell. The more these things pile up, the sooner I’ll explode. I’ve lost every will and passion in me to read, create and immerse myself in things that once sparked fire in my soul.
I’ve lost it all.