trigger warning: anxiety, depression

Hello, hello. I haven’t done a diary update for so long. Nothing is new in my life, except right now, all my daily efforts are going into finding another job/proper source of income. I quit one of the jobs I previously had because over the holiday season, most of our team members resigned right after each other. A new management team took over the company, a lot of things have changed, and I didn’t get as much hours as I used to (I was only asked to work at least five hours every three weeks or so). To be honest, I didn’t mind the cut back of hours because I had no desire to go to work anyway. Still, I could no longer see myself staying with the company for the long run, so I decided to abandon ship and look elsewhere.

I wish I thought of it even further because now, I am once again back into the struggling game. I am only currently living by my work with a fashion brand, though they gave me more hours than usual, it still isn’t enough to sustain my monthly rent and other bills. I have, shamefully, even asked Jaime for help a few times. While he was more than happy to lend a hand, there is a part of me who wishes I could handle and fix everything on my own. To add more into my plate, a tapestry of other personal problems showed up on my wall. These were all too sudden and too overwhelming. Lately, all I’ve had are break downs of all sorts: mentally, psychologically, physically. I’ve even lashed out at people quite a few times (including my innocent roommate), because of too much frustration and sadness regarding my life, my situation and most of all, myself. There it is, the one flaw that puts an end among others, my lethal over thinking. There is no way to shut these voices.

The one thing that helps me sleep at night is talking with Jaime in Facetime, and him showing my dog Pancakes snuggled happily in his arms. The other thing is simply over exhaustion from living. I try my best to remind myself to inhale and exhale every so often, because if I didn’t, I may as well forget breathing at all.

Oh yes, Jaime has adopted Pancakes officially and she is very, very spoiled by him and his family. At least, there’s something that makes me happy.

It’s crazy how my anxiety and panic episodes don’t resort to me writing. I usually tend to use words to sort my feelings out and as a form of release, but I can’t seem to bring myself to do this lately. It seems like I’ve bled my bones too dry, and that there is nothing left of me except an empty, ghostless shell. The more these things pile up, the sooner I’ll explode. I’ve lost every will and passion in me to read, create and immerse myself in things that once sparked fire in my soul.

I’ve lost it all.


I debated for long whether or not to publish this. But it’s all I can write about lately.

feature image by Pablo Heimplatz
Tags: , ,

Cara

Cara likes to read, write and laze around in her spare time. She goes into trance whenever she walks into bookstores and antique shops. She hopes to write about many adventures she'll have one day.

YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE

10 Comments

  1. Reply

    P

    February 11, 2016

    Cara, this post was full of heart and feelings of sadness. How I wish I could say that I know what you’re going through, or how it will all pass by one day. Even if I couldn’t, I send you virtual hugs and little cheers all the way from Manila. You are loved. The world is bigger than everything you’re carrying. One could only know of true happiness when one goes through sadness.

  2. Reply

    Carissa

    February 11, 2016

    Hi Cariza!
    Your name sounds so familiar and beautiful šŸ™‚ i may be biased.
    I appreciate your kind words in my blog post. I couldn’t resist but to browse through your articles. I love it. From now on ill be your avid reader.

    Hold on there. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel.

    http://carissainez.com

  3. Reply

    Apple

    February 11, 2016

    All my hugs.

  4. Reply

    Shannon

    February 14, 2016

    Cara, I am sorry for what you are going through! I know how much anxiety sucks. If you can find a way to turn it into a positive motivation to create instead of making it exhaust you and run you down- that would be idea, but again, I know how hard that can be! Make sure to take care of yourself, don’t get too busy or stressed to do the things you love.

  5. Reply

    Cariza

    February 15, 2016

    Thank you for all the love and messages, everyone. Iā€™m thankful for every ounce of positive thoughts sent my way. I hope the same goodness of life for each of you. <3

  6. Reply

    Melai

    February 17, 2016

    It’s okay to allow yourself to feel vulnerable and what you’re going through happens to all of us. Take heart, you’ll get through this season. Hugs to you.

    • Reply

      Cariza

      February 22, 2016

      Thank you so much for the kind thoughts, Melai. <3 I'm truly grateful.

  7. Reply

    Mikyu Maglasang

    February 19, 2016

    Happy to know that Pancakes is in good hands now! Ever since my family acquired a dog last year (and Mumu bought 2, too), I’ve developed a certain fondness for the species! šŸ˜›

    • Reply

      Cariza

      February 22, 2016

      Dogs are special members of the family, I believe. šŸ™‚

  8. Reply

    Frida

    March 16, 2016

    i am exactly on the same boat as you are when you wrote this. I wish you feel better now! I just feel very tired… I know i will eventually look for a new job, but right now i just cant will myself to do it. I’m pretty scared I wont be able to get my love for this industry I am with. I honestly appreciate my bestfriend and boyfriend who is supporting me right now. But I am taking my time. Maybe all we really need is a good rest. šŸ™‚

    Cheers for better days! šŸ™‚

LEAVE A COMMENT