A life of unsteadiness and stillness
Lanikai Pillbox Hike, Oahu (2016)
I have to be completely honest here – I have no idea what I’m doing in my life. Looking back at the past couple of years it feels like I drifted off from one day to the next, taking circumstances as it is and always hoping that somehow, whatever happens, it was what’s best. It’s one of the reasons I have tried to cut off my browsing through blogs and Instagram feeds – the whole thing of people (seemingly) inspiring others to go for their dreams and find their life’s purpose because it’s been working for them somehow became rather toxic; I, too, wanted to exert passion and effort into what I love and get so much in return… except I have no idea what it is.
My fear of failure slowly turned into fear of wanting to do so many things that I might not end up doing all of them. I am far too limited, too small for all that I want to do.
Ten years ago, I had a clear outline of what was going to happen to me. Graduate college, go to medical school, work at a fine hospital… of course, life never turns out the way that you’ve planned. I dropped out of school because my depression was too much, my dreams of attending medical school seems like forever ago, and in the process of healing and trying to find myself, I’ve formed new dreams and tried out many different things. I never know what is going to happen in my life next. My past self would’ve screamed at the thought – I always liked to know where things are going and whatnot – but perhaps, living a life of unsteadiness and taking contentment in my days for what they are, is what I’ve always needed all along.
Here I am now, ten years later. Despite not having the same milestones as everyone else (I have so much batch mates who have prestigious job titles, have been awarded here and there, are settled down with a family), there are quite some things that I can say I’m proud I’ve achieved. And for that, I feel immensely happy. I didn’t think I’d ever get this far, yet I did. I’ve moved into a new place and am living on my own (in another continent, nonetheless!), I’ve mustered courage to share my writing (and got published in a handful of publications, online and in print), I’ve worked a number of jobs – from fashion styling to advertising creative slash social media manager to now designer specialist at one of the best high end stores in the world. I’ve adapted new habits to improve my daily life – doing yoga and meditations, learning how to make small talk with strangers, smiling more often and meaning them. I’ve done all the small things I’ve always wanted: dye my hair ginger red, travel by myself in another country, commit to a better skin care routine. I feel a lot more content with knowing that everything I do, to the littlest things, matter so much to my well being and happiness.
Not all days are perfect, of course, but now I don’t try so hard in making them seem like they are. I’m still drifting about in life, and I make plans by the week and day now, not year. But I’m getting there. I’m finally in a place wherein I’m happy to say that I am better.